tooshie1977

Wow, it has been a long time since I have been here to blog. I quietly check in here now and then.  I see some things have changed alot with some buddies, some things stay the same and then you have me….Do I change alot or do I stay the same?  I guess maybe both would be accurate of me.  I wish I could say I was doing well and that I was back on the losing streak but I have struggled for so long.  I can’t seem to find the groove that I had when I first joined this site back in early ‘07.  I Keep trying and trying…..and TRYING.  Hey, at least I keep trying, right?  Well, it feels like a broken record every single day.  I will be on the treadmill busting my booty and all the while telling myself I am back and feeling great about it. By the end of the day, I am like….screw it. This is who you are and who you will always be.  Then tomorrow comes and it is the same thing all over again.  Why can’t I do this again?  Why after having lost 5o+ pounds and then gaining it all back can I not do it again??  It is so frustrating and I know alot of you understand what I am saying.

What am I not getting this time around?  Why can’t I put myself first and keep myself there?  Where is the “umph” I use to have?  I wish I knew.  I wish I had something that just clicked in my head.  I lost it and I need to find it again.  I know that one day I will. I just want that day to be now.  It seems as though when I lost the wait the first time, I didn’t let myself enjoy it.  I got to where I wanted to be and then started to get lazy and not working as hard as I did.  I lost the weight just to immediately gain it back.  I spent most of 2007 losing it, all of 2008 gaining it back and now tht 2009 is nearly over what do I have?  Nothing that has anything to do with weightloss.   I spent almost all of my 20’s being sad and hating myself.  I told myself that I was NOT going to do that in my 30’s but yet here I am. Sad, depressed, and hating myself yet again.  When do I learn from my mistakes?  When do I FINALLY say enough is enough and do this thing and do it right?  Well, it is a never ending learning process and one day I WILL get it. 

I didn’t write this blog to bring others down or even to feel sorry for myself.  I needed to put this down in front of my own eyes and perhaps to get it out of my head!  Today was not such a bad day for me. I worked out and didn’t do too bad on the eating.  Tomorrow will be even better.

I hate the title ” I’m back!”  So I won’t say that.  I have been “back” so many times and I end up leaving again. Nothing personal. It’s not you, it’s me.  I am a very emotional person and tend to wear those emotions on my sleeve. Sooo, I am “back” to give it another go. I have been struggling for some time now and I am sad to say that I am one of those that have gained the weight back.  I gained nearly every pound back that I had lost.  I have not gained the “and then some” back but as far I am concerned I may as well have. I feel like crap again, look like crap again….I am sad again.

I keep trying and I do well for a few weeks and then I just slide right off the wagon again.  I am here to try again. That is all I can do, right? Keep trying…I just want to see some progress again.